I'll Say Goodbye to Love...

It's 8:07 on Saturday night, and Daniel just got in the car and drove away.  Earlier we talked for several hours on the front porch at my sister's house and then took our dogs for a walk. And when it came tim eto say goodbye, he hugged me and kissed me. And I could not stop the tears from streaming down my face. No matter how much I tried to breathe and push them down, they just continued to spill over.

"Well, take care of yourself. Let me know when you're going to be leaving."
"I will. I'll keep in touch with you about what I'm doing."
"Thanks for treating me so well."
"I'm sorry I couldn't treat you better."
"Will you kiss me goodbye?"
"Yea."

And that is it. The last kiss. Because like Adele said so simply in her song, "Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead."

We had spent the day together, I guess as a final goodbye for both of us. Even though we had already talked it over, and we had been broken up for a week, I guess we both wanted to walk away with good memories. At least, that is what I wanted.

They say the first step in grief is denial; and I suppose that I have been camping there for the last week. Because I could not comprehend, grasp, understand, allow that we aren't meant to be together. We are so meant to be together. Daniel changed me. He softened me. He taught what it means to love in actions. He proved to me that there are men out there that say something and then follow through. He showed me what "Coming Home" actually feels like. Until I met him, I felt like a nomad, always wandering and lost. But when I met him, everything changed. Suddenly someone wanted me around. It didn't matter what time of night or day it was, he was always thrilled to see me with the biggest smile on his face, wrapping me in a bear hug. Daniel, my Daniel, that demonstrated love to me and kindness to me and patience to me that no one ever had taken the time to; he demonstrated Jesus to me in so many ways. My Daniel..who has said he's not mine anymore. Who has told me we don't belong together.



Time heals all wounds. One day, I will heal from this. But that day feels an eternity away. Today is the day I accept what he said; the first day I live without my Daniel. I said goodbye to him and  now I say goodbye to the dreams of being his wife and the many images of our life together I had envisioned and thought for sure would come to pass. I imagined traveling together and seeing the world. Working in an orphanage caring for tiny children in a third world country; teaching them English, taking them to the beach, reading them bed time stories. I imagined teaching in Dubai while Daniel studied or painted and did whatever he wanted. I imagined us buying a lot of land and building a big house or restoring an old farm house so that we could have a home for foster kids. I imagined so many wonderful things.

I just never imagined life without him.

I don't know how this blog is supposed to end. I'm not sure how to let go. Loving someone is letting them go; to try to hold on to Daniel would be loving him less. And he deserves to be loved. He deserves an amazing woman and an amazing story. Knowing him has changed me and healed me. He walked through some very dark moments of my life with me. He made the worst year of my life the absolute best and I cannot want anything but the same for him. I've told him this before, and I'll say it again. Other than my savior, Jesus Christ, Daniel has been the best gift in my life. It may have been for just a year, but this year has changed me forever.

We took these photos just a few hours ago. I'm glad of the closeness.

I don't know how to end this, so I'll let Adele do it for me.