Here I am...

Before my best friend moved back to Cali we were together everyday. Sometimes weeks and we never got tired of each other. Usually when we weren't together, we were texting or emailing or talking on the phone. But after he left, and I got used to being by myself, I discovered that I enjoyed solitude. I like people, and I enjoy the company of people. But after awhile I find it tiresome. It has me wondering if that relationship was simply a fluke, or if I will ever meet another person that feels more like "home" to me than myself.

I am content now. I wouldn't say I'm happy, but happiness is overrated. I'm fulfilled and at peace with life. And as much as I would love to meet someone else, I think I would be OK if I didn't. I have a hard time believing I would ever have another relationship as amazing as ours was. I didn't know two people could connect and enjoy each other the way we did; and we weren't even lovers.

But people do love fiercely. Song of Solomon said so. He described love as "more powerful than death." I don't disagree. And reading Passion and Purity and Through Gates of Splendor by Elisabeth Elliot, and watching the documentaries and listen to her speeches, I have no doubt that she loved Jim with the same fervor and passion that I felt. While watching the documentary, I felt tears well up and spill down my cheeks as I watched these four widows talk about their husbands who gave their lives for Jesus. The astonishing thing to me was that all of them, as single mothers, continued to be missionaries and do the work God had called them. Elisabeth ended up going and living with the Aucas, the same people that murdered her husband. Her faith was tested beyond anything any of us can imagine. Her husband died serving God; God did not protect them, even though they thought they were doing God's work.

None of these women defined themselves by their status as wives. Elisabeth Elliot was first a missionary for God. She and Jim had both proved their love and devotion to him by staying separated for five years before marrying. I ask myself, would I have been willing to serve the Aucas? Would my faith have even stood the test of time?

I can say firmly, no, at least 3 years ago. It isn't until recently that I made the decision to stop living in doubt and fear and to simply trust that God is a good benevolent God that loves me. It is amazing how hard it is to trade disbelief in for trust....but what follows is that the fear starts to fade and is replaced by peace. I am so content and at peace and I can see the blessings God has given me. There is nothing I want more than to live for Jesus and do what He is calling me to. I feel impatient at this mundane life that seems to stretch before me. I have student loans and teaching certifications and then I will have to learn a new language....years and so much time wasted. I want to get in and get dirty up to my elbows and knees. God I am ready to be anything you want me to be!

I feel a little fear at the romanticizing of the idea. Oh! To do great things for Christ. It is easy to sit in the comfort of ones home and watch people live in a jungle and do glorious things for Christ. We aren't watching the painstaking hours of labor while they are trying to learn a language. We aren't experiencing heat exhaustion and surprise poisonous snakes, and the primitive of life of mosquitoes and outhouses because their is no plumbing. I mean, the reality is, I have no idea how I could possibly cope with conditions like that...no toilet. Sure, I have been camping. I dug a hole and pooped in the mountains in NC. I actually did so in Korea too because it was a really long hike and there were no bathrooms. But the reality is , to do that every single day. And the fear of an unknown creature attacking you while your indisposed....or dealing with extreme poverty. Extreme poverty typically means filth, and I have a hard time with that. I am so anxious to be available for God but at the same time I am so aware of my limitations. Lord help me. Help me to be brave. Help me to be strong. Help me to be willing to do the things I fear the most. And give me the strength and will to do them. I am willing. I will go wherever you call me. I will give my life for you, in whatever way you ask of me. I know you said the harvest is plentiful and the workers are few. Well, I may not be much, but I'm here. Lord, use me.