In the Grand Scheme of Things....
Sometimes I feel like the greatest fool. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in some horrible TV drama. Sometimes, I am just an idiot.
Last night was one of those idiot nights. I have been doing ok. We had decided not to talk anymore. Then a few days before, I got an email from him asking me if I still wanted to Skype like we had in May. I almost said no. Almost.
We Skyped. The clock ticked on. 1:00 am my time. 9:00 am his time. I started off made up, in a pretty I dress wore for my birthday dinner. He told me I looked nice. An ongoing joke because he always used nice instead of pretty or beautiful, though he claims it's what he meant. We talked into the wee hours of the morning. I eventually traded my dress for a tank and shorts. The makeup came off. And we still talked. About everything. Life and adventures in Cali and Korea. Struggles with work and loneliness. Tony Robbins' talks on youtube about relationships and identifying past mistakes made in ours. Us. Connections. Online dating. Moving on. It was 9:00 am my time. 5:00 pm for him. We had talked for 8 hours on Skype minus a few quick intermissions of hot tea and bathroom breaks. I told him it was time to go.
D: I know you're tired. But we still have so much more to talk about.
L: Yea? Like what? I feel like we have covered everything.
D: About your time in Korea and your work and what I'm doing this summer and....everything. There's so much more we could talk about.
L: We've talked for 8 hours. We already talked about all those things.
D: I know, but I feel like we could talk for three more hours. The time has just flown by. I don't know why. Why it's so easy for us.
L: Of course it is. We're best friends....even though we say we're not, we are. We are kindred spirits. And it is easy. We don't have this with anyone else. Even those closest, we just don't have this connection. So we're lonely and when we talk it all comes back.
D: I wonder how long it will take me to get to this place with someone else. I feel like three or four years before I will have this connection with someone else.
L: OK. Well, I'm tired. I'm gonna go. I'm tired of all this. This is ridiculous.
D: What is?
L: This. Us. Continuing this cycle of talking and not talking. We talk like we dated for 4 years but we haven't. We dated for 9 months. And then when we broke up you were never the same. The second time we dated you were all walls. We didn't have a chance. And we went months without talking. We weren't together all that time, even though we talk like we were.
D: I know. It's crazy to think it was only 9 months.
L: And I'm just, I'm tired. This is ridiculous how we keep doing this.
D: I don't think so. I think it's nice.
L: Daniel, you just got through saying that you want what you have with me with some other girl. You would rather date someone for 3 or 4 years to get where we are, then to be with me, when I'm the one you have it with. Do you not realize what you are saying? You're basically saying you don't think I'm good enough for you. (Tears). I'm so tired of this.
D: I'm sorry. I guess I thought since I'm not a Christian it would make a difference.
L: That you don't want to be with me? You want everything you have with me but not me? How is you not being a Christian even relevant? I don't want talk anymore. I don't want you be part of my life anymore.
The conversation ended. Pain. Always pain.
Fast forward to last night. I have been doing OK. I even joined a few dating sites. Not that I have any expectations but I am making an effort at moving on. But something just made my brain go numb and I created an account on Match for Berkeley, CA. I searched for men Daniel's age and race and interests....and I found his page.
The first thing I noticed was he had three photos of. I had taken all three of them. The first was a camping picture I took the night I met him. It was taken with my professional camera and a great shot, using just ambient light from the fire. I had saved that picture as well as one of me kayaking because it was the first time we met. And I remember thinking how cool it was to have photos, even if there wasn't one of us together. The second was one of us dating. We were out of town for my friend's wedding. It was Dan's birthday gift. I had gotten a cabin. The photo was him and our dogs. Standard of our relationship, we both liked hiking and loved doing things like that with our dogs. The third was when we were broken up but best friends. Lots of confusing back and forth and snuggling while watching movies and occasionally kissing. This one I had taken of him on the beach, when we were working for two weeks for a Kitchenaid gig.
He wrote a lot on his profile. Just a nice guy looking for a girl. He mentioned his intention was marriage and he was looking for his soul mate. He said interests and hobbies were not as important as the connection and character. The two things that he has valued most about our relationship. Once he said, just texting was too much because our connection was too strong. And he told me regarding a classmate at school he had no interest in dating her. He said she was a lot like me in being opinionated and outgoing and fun but in the ways of character, she wasn't like me, which is why he wouldn't date her.
I felt pain. A stab to the heart over and over. Pain that he wasn't able to value what we were to each other. Pain that he wants so much to find someone and get married and he doesn't want to marry me. He wants what he had with me, but he doesn't want it with me. And I am the fool that made this account to see. And why? If he hadn't been on Match there's 5 others he could have joined. I knew he was going to. He told me he was going to. I knew he didn't want to marry me. I knew he didn't want me. What would possess me to do this to myself? Am I masochist? I find myself asking...dear God, will I ever get over this man?
My sister was telling me about a story from Corrie Ten Boom. And I was looking for it tonight.
One part of Corrie's words stuck with me:
…For in some deep part of me I knew already that there would not -soon or ever -be anyone else.
For a long time, that is what I have believed. After all, I'm not a young woman. I'm not in my twenties, with years ahead to meet and fall in and out of love. Been there done that. Many times over. I have loved and been loved. I have broken hearts and had my heart broken. But Daniel was just different. At his worst I would have married him without a second thought. They say love is blind, but I say, no. Love is triumphant over the greatest blemish. It doesn't turn a blind eye to our failings, it hugs and loves through those failings, just as God does for us. I was never a perfect girlfriend. My own issues, really my own insecurities made it impossible for me to be. But I could love Daniel with all of his idiosyncrasies and problems. I could have stuck by him and walked through anything with him. And I have wondered if this were it. If Daniel was my one and only, I just wasn't his. And knowing me, knowing how passionate and all or nothing I am, now that I know how I much I can love, I could never be with someone I loved less. I wonder if I am destined to be like Corrie Ten Boom, Gladys Aylward, Elisabeth Elliot, Amy Carmichael...women that fulfilled callings on their lives so incredible, but so devastatingly lonely and hard. And it isn't what I want. The only thing I ever really wanted was to belong someone. And that does sound so pathetic, but it isn't a desperate longing. There were guys that did want me and were ready to love me forever. None were right til I met Dan. I wanted to belong to him...and that is over. He has moved on. He made the choice that he wants a different life; he wants a life devoid of me.
I sat on the subway today, tears streaming down my face, my heart breaking for the millionth time. But instead of saying God it isn't fair! I found myself saying to God tonight, if this is my destiny, I accept it. If being alone is what you have called me to be than I won't fight you on it. Losing Dan was unbearable. It was the most horrible thing I have ever dealt with. I never thought I could love someone for so long that didn't want me. But not fulfilling God's plan for my life. Missing out on what He has called me to do because of something so insignificant like marriage, is unthinkable. This life is so short. And marriage is so common and only for this life. I'm not in it for this life. I'm in it for eternity.
Last night was one of those idiot nights. I have been doing ok. We had decided not to talk anymore. Then a few days before, I got an email from him asking me if I still wanted to Skype like we had in May. I almost said no. Almost.
We Skyped. The clock ticked on. 1:00 am my time. 9:00 am his time. I started off made up, in a pretty I dress wore for my birthday dinner. He told me I looked nice. An ongoing joke because he always used nice instead of pretty or beautiful, though he claims it's what he meant. We talked into the wee hours of the morning. I eventually traded my dress for a tank and shorts. The makeup came off. And we still talked. About everything. Life and adventures in Cali and Korea. Struggles with work and loneliness. Tony Robbins' talks on youtube about relationships and identifying past mistakes made in ours. Us. Connections. Online dating. Moving on. It was 9:00 am my time. 5:00 pm for him. We had talked for 8 hours on Skype minus a few quick intermissions of hot tea and bathroom breaks. I told him it was time to go.
D: I know you're tired. But we still have so much more to talk about.
L: Yea? Like what? I feel like we have covered everything.
D: About your time in Korea and your work and what I'm doing this summer and....everything. There's so much more we could talk about.
L: We've talked for 8 hours. We already talked about all those things.
D: I know, but I feel like we could talk for three more hours. The time has just flown by. I don't know why. Why it's so easy for us.
L: Of course it is. We're best friends....even though we say we're not, we are. We are kindred spirits. And it is easy. We don't have this with anyone else. Even those closest, we just don't have this connection. So we're lonely and when we talk it all comes back.
D: I wonder how long it will take me to get to this place with someone else. I feel like three or four years before I will have this connection with someone else.
L: OK. Well, I'm tired. I'm gonna go. I'm tired of all this. This is ridiculous.
D: What is?
L: This. Us. Continuing this cycle of talking and not talking. We talk like we dated for 4 years but we haven't. We dated for 9 months. And then when we broke up you were never the same. The second time we dated you were all walls. We didn't have a chance. And we went months without talking. We weren't together all that time, even though we talk like we were.
D: I know. It's crazy to think it was only 9 months.
L: And I'm just, I'm tired. This is ridiculous how we keep doing this.
D: I don't think so. I think it's nice.
L: Daniel, you just got through saying that you want what you have with me with some other girl. You would rather date someone for 3 or 4 years to get where we are, then to be with me, when I'm the one you have it with. Do you not realize what you are saying? You're basically saying you don't think I'm good enough for you. (Tears). I'm so tired of this.
D: I'm sorry. I guess I thought since I'm not a Christian it would make a difference.
L: That you don't want to be with me? You want everything you have with me but not me? How is you not being a Christian even relevant? I don't want talk anymore. I don't want you be part of my life anymore.
The conversation ended. Pain. Always pain.
Fast forward to last night. I have been doing OK. I even joined a few dating sites. Not that I have any expectations but I am making an effort at moving on. But something just made my brain go numb and I created an account on Match for Berkeley, CA. I searched for men Daniel's age and race and interests....and I found his page.
The first thing I noticed was he had three photos of. I had taken all three of them. The first was a camping picture I took the night I met him. It was taken with my professional camera and a great shot, using just ambient light from the fire. I had saved that picture as well as one of me kayaking because it was the first time we met. And I remember thinking how cool it was to have photos, even if there wasn't one of us together. The second was one of us dating. We were out of town for my friend's wedding. It was Dan's birthday gift. I had gotten a cabin. The photo was him and our dogs. Standard of our relationship, we both liked hiking and loved doing things like that with our dogs. The third was when we were broken up but best friends. Lots of confusing back and forth and snuggling while watching movies and occasionally kissing. This one I had taken of him on the beach, when we were working for two weeks for a Kitchenaid gig.
He wrote a lot on his profile. Just a nice guy looking for a girl. He mentioned his intention was marriage and he was looking for his soul mate. He said interests and hobbies were not as important as the connection and character. The two things that he has valued most about our relationship. Once he said, just texting was too much because our connection was too strong. And he told me regarding a classmate at school he had no interest in dating her. He said she was a lot like me in being opinionated and outgoing and fun but in the ways of character, she wasn't like me, which is why he wouldn't date her.
I felt pain. A stab to the heart over and over. Pain that he wasn't able to value what we were to each other. Pain that he wants so much to find someone and get married and he doesn't want to marry me. He wants what he had with me, but he doesn't want it with me. And I am the fool that made this account to see. And why? If he hadn't been on Match there's 5 others he could have joined. I knew he was going to. He told me he was going to. I knew he didn't want to marry me. I knew he didn't want me. What would possess me to do this to myself? Am I masochist? I find myself asking...dear God, will I ever get over this man?
My sister was telling me about a story from Corrie Ten Boom. And I was looking for it tonight.
…For in some deep part of me I knew already that there would not -soon or ever -be anyone else.
For a long time, that is what I have believed. After all, I'm not a young woman. I'm not in my twenties, with years ahead to meet and fall in and out of love. Been there done that. Many times over. I have loved and been loved. I have broken hearts and had my heart broken. But Daniel was just different. At his worst I would have married him without a second thought. They say love is blind, but I say, no. Love is triumphant over the greatest blemish. It doesn't turn a blind eye to our failings, it hugs and loves through those failings, just as God does for us. I was never a perfect girlfriend. My own issues, really my own insecurities made it impossible for me to be. But I could love Daniel with all of his idiosyncrasies and problems. I could have stuck by him and walked through anything with him. And I have wondered if this were it. If Daniel was my one and only, I just wasn't his. And knowing me, knowing how passionate and all or nothing I am, now that I know how I much I can love, I could never be with someone I loved less. I wonder if I am destined to be like Corrie Ten Boom, Gladys Aylward, Elisabeth Elliot, Amy Carmichael...women that fulfilled callings on their lives so incredible, but so devastatingly lonely and hard. And it isn't what I want. The only thing I ever really wanted was to belong someone. And that does sound so pathetic, but it isn't a desperate longing. There were guys that did want me and were ready to love me forever. None were right til I met Dan. I wanted to belong to him...and that is over. He has moved on. He made the choice that he wants a different life; he wants a life devoid of me.
I sat on the subway today, tears streaming down my face, my heart breaking for the millionth time. But instead of saying God it isn't fair! I found myself saying to God tonight, if this is my destiny, I accept it. If being alone is what you have called me to be than I won't fight you on it. Losing Dan was unbearable. It was the most horrible thing I have ever dealt with. I never thought I could love someone for so long that didn't want me. But not fulfilling God's plan for my life. Missing out on what He has called me to do because of something so insignificant like marriage, is unthinkable. This life is so short. And marriage is so common and only for this life. I'm not in it for this life. I'm in it for eternity.
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