When the Fog begins to Clear....

 I have been angry for a long time. So much so that I deleted my blog and haven't written for months....well, I did write a few blogs. But they were very angry ones...

Today is the first time in a long time that I have felt free to write without the heavy burden of rocks in my chest.

Most of my life, I have pretty much believed that God is bipolar (I think pehaps to do with upbringing). My perspective of God has been that He is loving and full of grace but at any time He can also be angry, vengeful and wants me to suffer.  And even now I realize that I define God's  love for me based on circumstances. 

As I was journaling this morning, which is also often times my way of praying, a thought struck me that I hadn't considered for quite some time.

"Sometimes I wonder how You can be good with the suffering I see around me and my own circumstances. I think about missionaries who have lost their husband or wife serving You or  the man that was born with no arms and legs or the person diagnosed with a debilitating disease and yet they TRUST you. And I realize, I am not there God. I would not survive an extreme sacrifice like that, not even if you told me it was to save the souls of a 100,000 people. But if you will reveal Yourself to me and help me to see how You really love me, I know I can be whatever You ask of me. Please, give me the faith to believe in Your love."

 A heartfelt prayer, nothing wrong with that. But why do I keep doubting God's love? Why don't I truly believe it? I get the concept of it in my head, but it has never truly reached the core of who I am. It has never penetrated my heart. I still see Him as this powerful entity playing chess with my life. Sometimes I win and sometimes I get slaughtered, all based on His whim.

Perhaps the problem isn't that God has failed to show His love to me, but that my perspective is distorted. I don't think it is entirely my fault; I think culture of western Christianity is that "God loves me and He wants me to be happy." And in American culture, happiness=no hardship.

But Jesus never made any such promise.

In fact, he contradicted it: "In the is world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!"  In the end, we are assured that He is in control, He has won the day. But He never said He would keep us from trouble. In fact, where in the Bible does it say the life of a Christ follower is easy?

In Matthew 7:14 Jesus talks about the narrow way and the difficult road...

In John 15:20 Jesus talks about being persecuted because of Him.

In  Galatians 2:20, Paul talks about being "crucified with Christ." 

 So, is it possible that my view of what love should be is distorted? Because if I truly believe that Christ died for my sins, to set me free, to save me... "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" why do I believe He is holding out on me?


For whom am I really living? Myself or my Savior? Do I seek to obtain ultimate happiness or do I really want to be holy. Sanctified. A vessel God can use for whatever He deems fit? I may not understand what God is doing, but I don't have to understand. I have to have to trust that He is good and somehow, within the banner of His love, lies suffering and hardship. It is not a separate thing; it all works together under His love and His goodness. 


Elisabeth Elliot, a missionary to Latin America, lost her husband to martyrdom just two years after they were married. They had waited for God's timing for five years before they finally married. She recalls something a missionary had said when she was a young college student:

"If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it may be because pieces will feed a multitude when a loaf would satisfy only a little boy."

 Do I care so much about my own comfort and happiness that I would sacrifice God's plan to have it? Or can I ultimately believe in the goodness of God that even in this His love still covers me?

Jesus promised peace, not happiness.  Peace, not an easy walk. And the peace He promises is indescribable. I have experienced this peace and it is liberating and joy filling. But it comes with a price. It comes with letting go. It comes with giving up the questions: "Why? How could you? What do you want from me? What are you doing?" and instead saying, "I don't understand but I know you are loving and so I trust in Your love." I'm not there yet, but I want to be. I hope to be. I want to be able to say the words, with all sincerity,  "Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him."