In a world of squares, circles and triangles, I am an octagon.

I'm sure everyone has experienced what it is like to not belong, but I wonder if anyone 

 can fully understand what it is like to have never in your life been understood

or truly loved for who you are. My friends and family love me DESPITE who I am. Somehow,

that just doesn't sound like something a person dreams of hearing or  would put in their marriage vows: "I love you despite the fact that you have one nasty temper and I don't get you half the time."

My college professor said "I think you're quite proud of that; being different." Once again, misunderstood, I smiled and swallowed hard to fight silent tears. To be different is a beautiful thing. To be misunderstood is like being a ghost amidst the living; you might as well not exist. 

I have felt guilty all my life for being who I am. For being misunderstood, for feeling so deeply about everything from politics to animals suffering to the health risks of artificial sweeteners. Even my family has come to accept me as something they cannot understand. I have had a strained relationship with them for most of my life, especially with my dad. And if the very first man in a girl's life, the one who is supposed to love her more than anyone only sees what's wrong with her, what else would she believe but that she's unfixable. 

But being oddly shaped and unfixable hasn't changed my desire to be accepted, understood...to be loved. If anything, being a misfit just makes me want to be loved even more. Let's face it, we are all ultimately looking for love. No one wants to achieve everything they ever could possibly imagine and sit back alone and enjoy their dreams. There is always the "perfect love" in the picture. And people that never find love, and I do mean romantic love, will often resort to odd ways of filling the void- like the old lady that lives with 9 cats. 

I have had my share of chasing after love. I've wanted to love and be loved. So much that at times I've played the crazy girl. I have played disinterested and been single for years and also endured the role of the battered girlfriend. At the core of me, I just wanted to feel loved. Accepted. Desired. Important. Irreplaceable.

The problem is perfect love cannot exist- not in human form. There is the perfect love that comes from a dog.(Yes, I'm biased.)  But romantic love cannot be unfailing or perfect. Forget bad relationships-

 let's talk about healthy ones. Even the knight that storms the castle, slays the dragon, and rescues the princess is bound to be flawed. He will at some time disappoint his love as she will disappoint him. As the book says "Everybody poops" and eventually "hits the fan."

The love and acceptance I seek is fleeting- from friends, from family, even from the right man. Any couple married more than a few years will admit the love doesn't stay the same. People are full of disappointment. She gains weight and gets depressed. He can't provide for his family and isolates himself. They have a child that has medical problems that drain them emotionally and physically. A human can only give what is humanly possible to give. And even the unconditional love from parents to children is flawed. We have only to turn on the news to realize just how much. The passionate, unending, unfailing perfect love that we are all so desperate to have can only come from God. He is the author and finisher.

There is a song: 

That love can only come from perfection. And that perfect love comes from Jesus. His love heals. 

With Jesus-His love cleanses. In Jesus-His love purifies us. Through Jesus-we are forgiven. And in receiving this love-we are fulfilled. Accepted. Irreplaceable.

With God- I'm not misunderstood. I'm not a misfit. He understands my heart. He knows what I meant to say. He delights in me, as me, as who I was born to be. He isn't looking for me to be perfect or a certain way. He just wants me. There is only one of me in the whole world. I'm unique and irreplaceable to Him.

God is not looking for people that are perfect. He has angels for that. He is looking for the misfits, the strange, the unlovable, the lonely, the despicable. He is looking for people that need Him. Jesus didn't spend his time with the leaders of the law, those that had it all together. Zacchaeus was a tax collector who cheated his own people. Mary was a harlot. The woman at the well was a fornicator. All of these were people were rejected by society, even by their families. But Jesus, perfect in all ways, was able to see beyond what man can see, the deepest scars and pain; the deepest needs that only a savior can meet. And here is the hardest lesson I ever had to learn from God. He loved me first, broken and unwanted, before I even knew His name. He has loved me and forgiven me of all I have ever done before I was even born. The song, "A thousand years" s a perfect example of His love for us..because only a perfect God could sing, "I have died everyday waiting for you. Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you- for a thousand years, I will love you for a thousand more." 

I have learned to love Him because He loves me. He is so desperate to pour Himself into our wounded souls. He chases after us. He never gets tired; He never gives up on us. He is so full of love for us and He cannot wait to lavish and saturate our hearts, our brokenness  our rage, our sin, with His love. He is not afraid of the scars. He's not afraid of our issues. Nothing can separate us, nothing can stand up against the power of His love. With God, there is nothing unlovable about us. He already paid for it all on the cross. He is just waiting to pour it into your heart.