Full Circle

 "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in you."

This blog was originally created in 2010 to record my adventures in Seoul, South Korea.

I was excited, anxious and eagerly expecting an amazing adventure. Instead what I found 

was the same loneliness, same desperation and temptations I had tried to escape when I left

home.

There are no coincidences with God. It is not an accident that I begin this blog, exactly

three years from when I started in Korea. Then, I believed I was taking control of my own destiny. 

I wanted my life to count for something, I wanted to be somebody, to do something. Ultimately,

 I wanted to matter. I thought going to Asia would help me get away from my problems. I couldn't

have been more wrong.

I'm writing this in my bedroom, at my parents house. Three weeks ago, I moved back in with my parents.

 A week later I was fired from my job. My student loans are currently in deferment and I have about $200 to my name. I'm 31 years old, I'm single, never been married, with no job and I live with my parents.

 This is going to be an exciting read.

Writing this blog wasn't my idea.   Originally I thought I would write a journal about all this- and have a record of what it was like. And maybe, one day, when I see God's plans come to fruition in my life, I can write a book about it. You know, once I'm successful and can hold my head up again... And it will help people feel encouraged. But I felt like God told me. No. Write about it NOW. Start a blog TODAY.

 (Gulp). You want me to expose myself to people, God?  You want me to lay myself bare and open myself up to ridicule and laughter and whatever else? And really? Write a blog? Who is even going to read it? Who even cares what I have to say.

At first I resisted. Um, hello! I have pride. I decided I needed to read my Bible and pray and ensure that this is God telling me to do this. But I actually don't need to. Do you know how I know it's God? Because He  revealed to me that three years ago, TODAY, February 22, 2010, I started my first day as an ESL teacher in Seoul, South Korea..

I think the reason He wants me to do this is to share with people the hope I have in Him. That regardless of

circumstances; nothing can keep you away from the love and goodness of our God. To the world's standards, 

(let's be honest, even to my own ) I am, circumstantially, at the worst place I could be as an American woman. But emotionally and mentally, I am in a better place than I have ever been. 

How is that even possible? How is it that I am not lying in bed with the covers pulled over my head in despair and 

shame?

Because I believe. Because I believe in the God that cannot be limited by my circumstances. I believe in the God that loves me and has a purpose and destiny for me. And I recognize that it is no accident that exactly three years later I am sitting here writing about His faithfulness when I am exactly right back where I was. When

you surrender your life to Christ, He will bring you full circle. He has all the time in the world- He doesn't operate by time. He will take you on as many detours as you need to be taken on. The children of Israel spent forty years in the desert because of their unbelief.

So here I am- writing about this, in the worst situation I have ever been in. It's actually worse than before because in 2010 lived in my own apartment and I had a job.  But here's the thing- A month ago, I DID have a job. I was living on my own. I was independent. But I wasn't happy. I wasn't at peace. I didn't feel any hope. These are some of my journal entries from just a month ago:

January 20, 2013

'The biggest mistake you could ever make is to focus on your weaknesses. What are you naturally good

at? What are your gifts?' -Joyce Meyers

"I don't know. I would say I am a good friend- but few people ever value me. I thought N was such a great

friend but she can take me or leave me. All I see are my flaws. I see nothing good. Why did J drop me

from his life? N, B, A, L...people I invest in that do not value me. If no one does- maybe I'm not valuable."

'The most important relationship you can have other than with God is with yourself.'- Joyce Meyers

"I realize tonight that the relationship I have with myself is abusive. I hate myself. I hate everything about me. 

I can't think of one thing I like about myself. No one has ever seen me as something worth fighting for."

I read a little of this to my counselor. Then she asked me, "What do you like about yourself?" I answered,

"I'm skinny." She said, "Ok. What else?" And I said nothing for a long time and tears streamed silently for 

awhile and I finally said, "I don't know. I can't think of anything."

January 29, 2013

"I am reading Joel Osteen and trying to follow the teachings of the power of words. Today I spoke positively over myself, I spoke words that God thinks of me, as well as his thought of the day. Then Ms. Baugh called me and told me she had a vision about me. She heard a voice say- "You may think you're alone, but you are not alone. An angel of the Lord is three feet in front of you facing you."

From "I Declare" by Joel Osteen

- You will produce what you say.

-Do not speak defeat in your life.

-Do not say what you feel. Say what God says about you.

-God can do the impossible. Where God gives vision He always provides provision

Proverbs 18:21 "Life and death are in the power of the tongue."

-We are snared by the words of our mouth.

-Don't use words to describe your situation. Use words to change your situation. Declare

health, abundance, declare favor.

-You give life to your faith with what you say. "I have the favor of God. I can do all things through

Christ who strenghthens me.I am blessed. I am strong. I am healthy.

-Prophesy victory!

-Don't talk about the problem! Talk about the solution!

-Don't talk about the way you are. Talk about the way you want to be. "Let the weak say I am strong"

Over the next days, I began to speak positive things over my life and my circumstances. I would say

the declaration that Joel Osteen said, but I would also say my own that I found in scripture. I worked at a 

car company taking pictures- and I'm going to be honest, I hated it. Nothing I did was good enough. I felt like

no matter how hard I tried, there was always room for improvement. Some days it was freezing cold and raining

and I was outside in the cold doing my job. No one ever seemed to care. The management team was really concerned about the ladies in the accounting office walking to and from their cars in the cold, but they didn't seem to care at all about me. But I began saying, this job is a blessing to me. I'm thankful for this job...and I started seeing the good. On beautiful days, I got to be outside. I spent a lot of time walking back and forth so I got a lot of exercise. I got to talk to God all the time without interruption. My circumstances didn't change, but

my perspective did.

This is one of the declarations I wrote myself in my journal:

"I love myself. I am intelligent, gifted and creative. I am a gift to my family and they are a gift to me. I am lovely. I am full of energy- I love life. I feel young and I look young. I am healthy. I am a hard worker. I use my time wisely. I accomplish much. I am blessed. God has given me favor. I am positive. I encourage those around me. I am joyful and the Lord is my  strength."

I started saying those things about myself. I had a man tell me at work, "You know, you are so positive. You have such a great aura about you. I can just feel good energy coming off of you."

February 7, 2013

I was fired today. 

Psalm 103;13-14

Psalm 86:15-16

There is that that voice in my head that says "Failure! Stupid!  But it is faint. 

John 15:14

"God give me a heart that is grateful. You have a perfect job for me. You will help me. You will provide for me. You know I hated this  job. Thank you for releasing me. I say yes to You as you are Lord of my life. I renounce sinful ways. Please restore what sin has destroyed in my life."

For as long as I can remember- I have had a voice inside my head that told me all day every day everything that was wrong with me. This voice was loud and harsh and it was my own voice. I sometimes felt that I had two Lydia's inside my head, one was me, human and frail and the other was the Lydia I aspired to be- perfect Lydia. And all day long perfect Lydia would shout in my head that I was a failure. That I am stupid.That I have no purpose. That I shouldn't even be alive.  All my life, all day long....since I was very young. Since as far back as I can remember actually. What I wrote in my journal the day I got fired, is a miracle. That voice was still there but it was faint. Instead, I heard a different voice...I heard, I did the absolute best I could do. I made a mistake. God hasn't given up on me. He knew this was going to happen.

God knew I was about to lose my job. I had been looking for a new place to live for about two months. I had new neighbors move in that were so loud- waking me at three in the morning, yelling, playing guitar, dancing. I got tired of it. I also lived downtown and got tired of having drunk people knock on my door at all hours of the night. I must've looked at seven or eight different places. Talked to another six different people through email or phone and nothing fit just right. So I decided to move into my parents house temporarily. There was a time that I wasn't

close to my family at all....remember the move to Seoul Korea? That's a different story. However, after a few days, I realized I was happy. Seong (my dog) was  much happier being with my parents when I was at work. I told a friend of mine that I wasn't in a rush to move, that I might stay awhile.  A week later, I was fired. God prepared the way for me and prepared my heart. 

I don't know where God is leading me. I know this is a time of testing. I know that there will be days that I am going to feel discouraged. But I choose to trust in Him and believe in Him. I am not defined by my circumstances.  The Bible says "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in you." No matter what the situation is- He isn't looking for a super hero, God is simply looking for someone to believe in Him.